same as yesterday/yesteryear and some pluses.

So it looks like vacation will be non-existent again this year... such is life I guess. It just seems like the stuff you're looking forward to seems to get tainted in someway even if they aren't outright done away with.

So you're not able to do something, not unusual, but I just wish that we didn't have something to get our hopes up before having it pulled out from under you.

So the pluses of life because so much of this seems to focus on the negatives...

• my kids



• a job (not the worst out there, definitely not the best though)



• supportive parent's, family and friends



• health (physical, if not mental)



• music and the instruments to make it with



• I suppose the list goes on.

So that's it for now I guess.

A kick in the teeth... with a side of fries.

Do you know a person that everything they seem to touch turns into a major production / disaster... that's my Ex.

Case in point the trip to her parent's cottage that she planned for her and our kids. She got started shall we say more then a little late, through general lack of organization and thought. I will admit through no fault of her own, but just the nature of how things go when she is involved the Timing belt went on the car about an hour into the trip to the cottage. I get generally very pissed call from her (actually the 2nd such conversation of the day) and I have to talk her through what to do. Next call I get from her yes the problem is more serious then I expected, but I still had to troubleshoot her the way out of the situation.

I don't mind the fact that I had to drive an hour and gave them my vehicle... the kids got to go to the cottage and have fun, that's what counts... I don't even mind sitting in the car for another hour waiting for the tow truck or the other hour drive home. It is the chaos and calamity that seems to follow my Ex in everything she is involved in, except when she is teaching crafts... though everything else in our lives must stop when the prep for the craft is being done.

My other concern that is coming to the forefront now is the fact that ex is stalling on the mediator and still doesn' t have any idea where she is going to live and she expects to have the kids.

more to come I suppose.

That's something you could of brought to my attention... 13 years ago

Since it's come out to more of my friends that my marriage is done I've heard the line, "I hate to say it, but I'm not surprised...", over and over again.

Love is blind? pussy whipped? afraid of being alone?

I suppose there were signs along the way that I chose to ignore and things I thought we could both work through. I know I've grown a ton in the past 13 years and I'm a much better person for it, but it feels like I'm trying to step forward on my own.

I think I've learned a lot people in general and one thing that people count discount is family history. Whether it's health, mental, lifestyle, relationship or financial it's extremely tough to throw off the shackles of ones past.

In some cases you can pull yourself up by your bootstraps and grow beyond where you came from, but especially with mental and health you always are under risk of being drawn back down into the mud. I thought we could grow beyond my ex's family history, but it has dealt the blows that have cut things apart.

Now I worry for my children's future with a genetic history of issues and living in the situation they are currently in with a parent that won't admit or deal with the mental issues they have. My daughter is already taking on some of the most hated traits my ex has and my son has major self-esteem issues because of how she treats him.

So now I am on guard and try to learn what I can so I can hopefully help my kids in the future. I just hope that they will accept their past and be able to move beyond this present.

So where do we go

Mediation over custody is something of farce I think when the other person is set on manipulating it to their advantage.

I went in with a very clear picture and idea at the outset of what I wanted to get out of the mediation process. Very up front as usual that the finances mean nothing to me, the kidlettes are the biggest priority. I will admit I didn't have much of an idea of how things were supposed to proceed, but I think the individual we met with did a good job explaining and was honestly first and foremost looking out for the best interests of any kids that are involved in the situations he deals with.

When your the first words out of your former significant other are, "If can't agree on custody of the kids isn't this all a waste of time and shouldn't we go straight to court?", you know things are going to be... interesting. Isn't mediation about finding common ground and a situation you both can live while still providing a strong and stable environment for the kids?

I came out of the preliminary meeting with the mediator feeling quite good and ex even agreed he was a very good. Funnily I knew that my former spouse would find some reason not to use somebody obviously at the top of the class and who it seemed to see through her facade. There were several points that he stopped her and prefaced what he was about to say with, "I'm going to be blunt...".

The impression ex tried to get across to mediator, that I don't think he bought, is that everyone around her is broken, but her.

So now ex is researching to find other mediators under the guise of saving money. My thought is lets spend a little more on a good mediator who will definitely get the job done, instead of cheaping out on a hack and then having to go to court with lawyers as well.

Father's Day

am I the father I wish or am I the father I think I am.

I look back on my choices, attitude and actions and wonder am I worthy to call myself the proper care giver for my children or am I just a farce to those around me?

Why do I question myself in such a way? Am I actually the one with the issues and I just refuse to actually accept them? Am I deluding myself, think I'm better then I am?

Or does my willingness to question myself prove I've got a stable brain inside this pathetic head of mine?

I am so anti-confrontational am I willing to let my children sit under the influence of their mother who I believe is unstable, angry and who they fear? Or do I stand ground beyond what I believe are my abilities and fight in-laws & Ex the way I swore I never would, become the person I outright decided never to become from the age of 4.

Why do I question myself? Why don't the others that matter in this battle see things as I and so many others see? Am I just an actor in my own life? Am I who I think I am, who I see myself as or am I just a shell existing on top of some self-centred, self-hating punk?

Does everybody have these doubts, questions, delusions?

A week moves on and continues into the past.

Oooooooo. How deep. How profound.

What a load of carp! Man can I get a shovel full.

So the house is officially going up for sale in three weeks and luckily we should be getting more then we expected. So sock it away and maybe a future down payment for a place of my own, or retirement, or further education funds for the kids.

The Ex is all up in knots about trying to get the house ready to show and to move. I gave her a viable option and because of her bullheadedness she didn't accept it. She asked if I have any idea what kind of work she's been doing... One of those questions you never answer the way you'd really like to, but through my head went, "Try doing it all in one weekend." I certainly
hope in this process she and her parent's realize how little stuff I actually had, and how much absolute crap she has accumulated.

Whatever happens with the house so be it.

The kids are a different story though and their still being worked out. Finances don't mean anything next to the kids and it's only a matter of time before something serious has to be dealt with.

As for depression over the end of the relationship, that's almost nonexistent as it's been really for all intensive purposes over for a number of years already. Though trying to get back into the game is a whole lot different when you have no social structure of single friends.

Such is life, move on, rebuild, restore.

Who's right and who's wrong...

Ever have an argument with somebody who always has to be right and won't back down or even consider they could be wrong? You stand there face to face or face to chat window or looking at the phone receiver thinking to yourself...

Am I missing something?
Am I the one who isn't thinking clearly?
Am I the only one that doesn't see it?

Growing up my Dad was confrontational with people, argumentative, and had more then a bit of a temper. Many people see their dad's that way and only feared the spank.

I took it a step further...

At a young age, probably around 4 or 5, I consciously decided that I wasn't going to be like my Dad and I've tried to become that to a fault. I am a none confrontationalist, who basically gets walked all over. Doesn't mean I won't fight when backed right into a corner, but look how long it took in my marriage to finally put my foot down, 12 year (2 would be called okay).

And even with many other friends telling me I'm not the crazy one I still spend a lot of time questioning my motives, decisions, am I crazy, to far gone, self worth, as a father, as a person, and who I really am now.

My wife, because currently she still is but we're sep'd, is on a crap load of meds for pain, mental issues, anxiety issues, and other health reasons considers me... The one who cooked, cleaned, did laundry, ran the kids everywhere and attempted to look after finances (I'm getting better at this one)... I'm the depressed and mentally ill one.

So I've left and I seem to be doing a million times better except whenever I have a discussion with her... Hmmmmm... But I'm the one that needs to be hospitalized...

There are some people and some arguments that you will never win no matter what it seems.

One of my favourite lines, whether you're religious or not, is "God will only give you what you can handle, but I sure wish he'd underestimate me a little more often."

"Bang your head!"

3rd wheel wobble.

Yeah this isn't long after my previous post, but I'm just getting stuff out I guess.

Something that's been bothering me (yeah there seems to be a lot of stuff bothering me as well)... because when you get up into your 30's, even late 20's I suppose, your friends are typically all paired up and starting their families.

Who do you hangout with? talk to? cause trouble with? laugh with? Being a 3rd wheel is okay some of the time, but you don't want to be constantly on the outside... groups of friends get together and you're the only single one or they feel awkward inviting the one single, so they don't or forget.

How do you rebuild a social life when you're 36 & single again in a blue collar town? How do you meet others when alcohol isn't a main source of your entertainment? Do you Plenty of Fish it? Do you look for singles groups? How do you maintain some dignity when looking for new friends, when you've had the rug pulled out? I'm not a stereotypical guy, don't watch sports, rarely fish, don't care to play baseball, basketball, hockey... surfing, skateboarding, rollerblading, playing music, art, style, design and cooking are more my speed.

I suspect in TO there'd be many more options with the increase in cultural atmosphere and just plain more people, but this city feels just so confining sometimes. Until things get settled out family wise and financially I'm stuck here and without cash... it's all going to pay the mortgage of the house I no longer live in and support the kidlette's and someday Ex.

The Ex. says I'm always welcome to come back, but even the short time I'm with her tucking the kids into bed she finds ways to emotionally wreck me for the rest of the night.

So for now it's 3rd wheel and the web I guess.

"I will survive in my mach5" (okay I don't have a mach5, but it's still a fun song)

such is a dream.

More Drivel...

Dreams cycled in and out of your mind and typically only fleeting glimpses remain by morning.

Mine seem to give me quite a bit of unease... to much realism, to much confrontation and to many memories. I don't remember all my dreams, but the details I do are enough to set me on edge the rest of the day... or like a fairly recent I'm still unsettled by it. My have recently been dealing with Separation, Job Searches, Financial Despair, the past Death of Love ones, and Fears for the future.

For the most part dreams I'm up in the air about the meaning and importance of dreams. They can reveal what's bothering our subconscious, what were wrestling with, and our fears... and of course sometimes their just full of crap.

Some people are able to control their dreams, my dad is the best rewinding at will and full control, for me I'm the furthest from it... While I'm asleep I know it's a dream and always attempt to control it, but my throat is clenched and I'm unable to sleep and have trouble breathing. Add to that in many situations I'm unable to physically move and can't pull myself awake out of the dream back to reality. So even though I enjoy my sleep like a good steak and can fall asleep easily, sleep hasn't been much of a shelter or source of energy.

So I sit up bleary eyed, seeing friends and people flicker in and out of my contact lists, wishing for someone to talk, to see in RL. Like every guy they want to seem strong, independent, capable, but now I just want to reach out and at the same time don't want to interrupt their lives and families with my mud pie mountain. Craving some kind of physical contact, not even intimacy (though that's been craved for at least a year now), but even to have someone your own age or outlook to hangout with and talk, laugh and all that kind of humanity type of crap. At one point and still sometimes, I wish I could just med myself up to the point where I don't care about anything and just zombie through life not caring if I'm treated like crap, not care that I don't here a thanks or apology, don't care if I get taken advantage of and do 90% of the stuff that being an adult requires of us.

Everyone has their own struggles, trying times, and baggage they carry with them. Do you let it crush you under the weight of it? Do you pick up and start again after you've been kicked in the head time and again? How do you know when to just stay down?

Life is never like we intended it to be... "I'm an adult now."

a moment

Ever have a moment, whether it's a few minutes, or say a couple of weeks, when you question who you are and who you are becoming.

What's in front of you.

Your future,

your mind,

your life,

your family.

Everything you've been, for in my case 36 years, is called into question in your outlook.

I'm not really sure what to think of my life's current predicament. Father without his kids, a husband who can't survive mentally and emotionally with his wife. A belief, a faith that is frayed and is just a slender few threads left.

You build up plans in your mind as you grow about...

who you want to become?

what you want to build for the future?

what do you want to leave behind as small sign that you were there.

Answers, direction, guidance, ruined plans, rebuilding dreams and goals.

It's been about a month since I started to try to climb the circles and I don't think I've gotten all that far, feel like the failure I'm sure my, sometime to be Ex, wife thinks I am.

Broken

Damaged Goods

Weak

Unstable

It seems she still wins as I doubt myself and my reasons for telling her to leave and upon her refusal leaving myself.

"So much for the afterglow"