Happy b-day? What's the point?

So b-days come and go & time marches on. Never fun to spend it without your kids... a friend took me to see a movie and here I am on my own by 9:45 and than as I'm on my way to get a coffee... believe me a beer was considered... some stupid punk kid backs into me in the parking lot..... beer very seriously considered... good thing I don't have the friends close enough that would be out with me on a friday night. No damage that I could see and I was in no mood to try to deal with him. So lets add up this wonderous day... • turn 37, not a big deal on the age side of things, but nothing much to show for my age. • won't see my kids for over a week • workd at a crap job, yeah it's a job, but it's definitely not a mentally safe job to be at. • get a letter from the government saying their continuing to reassess my taxes from two years ago (rejected health claims regarding my Ex)... another $650 due in about 15 days... there goes any vacation pay • they are in the process of reassessing this years... rejecting child support payments • dinner with my parent's, decent if rushed • movie with a friend • get into a fender bender trying to get a coffee I should of turned around from the coffee shop and gotten a beer at the pub down the plaza. later days.

same as yesterday/yesteryear and some pluses.

So it looks like vacation will be non-existent again this year... such is life I guess. It just seems like the stuff you're looking forward to seems to get tainted in someway even if they aren't outright done away with.

So you're not able to do something, not unusual, but I just wish that we didn't have something to get our hopes up before having it pulled out from under you.

So the pluses of life because so much of this seems to focus on the negatives...

• my kids



• a job (not the worst out there, definitely not the best though)



• supportive parent's, family and friends



• health (physical, if not mental)



• music and the instruments to make it with



• I suppose the list goes on.

So that's it for now I guess.

A kick in the teeth... with a side of fries.

Do you know a person that everything they seem to touch turns into a major production / disaster... that's my Ex.

Case in point the trip to her parent's cottage that she planned for her and our kids. She got started shall we say more then a little late, through general lack of organization and thought. I will admit through no fault of her own, but just the nature of how things go when she is involved the Timing belt went on the car about an hour into the trip to the cottage. I get generally very pissed call from her (actually the 2nd such conversation of the day) and I have to talk her through what to do. Next call I get from her yes the problem is more serious then I expected, but I still had to troubleshoot her the way out of the situation.

I don't mind the fact that I had to drive an hour and gave them my vehicle... the kids got to go to the cottage and have fun, that's what counts... I don't even mind sitting in the car for another hour waiting for the tow truck or the other hour drive home. It is the chaos and calamity that seems to follow my Ex in everything she is involved in, except when she is teaching crafts... though everything else in our lives must stop when the prep for the craft is being done.

My other concern that is coming to the forefront now is the fact that ex is stalling on the mediator and still doesn' t have any idea where she is going to live and she expects to have the kids.

more to come I suppose.

That's something you could of brought to my attention... 13 years ago

Since it's come out to more of my friends that my marriage is done I've heard the line, "I hate to say it, but I'm not surprised...", over and over again.

Love is blind? pussy whipped? afraid of being alone?

I suppose there were signs along the way that I chose to ignore and things I thought we could both work through. I know I've grown a ton in the past 13 years and I'm a much better person for it, but it feels like I'm trying to step forward on my own.

I think I've learned a lot people in general and one thing that people count discount is family history. Whether it's health, mental, lifestyle, relationship or financial it's extremely tough to throw off the shackles of ones past.

In some cases you can pull yourself up by your bootstraps and grow beyond where you came from, but especially with mental and health you always are under risk of being drawn back down into the mud. I thought we could grow beyond my ex's family history, but it has dealt the blows that have cut things apart.

Now I worry for my children's future with a genetic history of issues and living in the situation they are currently in with a parent that won't admit or deal with the mental issues they have. My daughter is already taking on some of the most hated traits my ex has and my son has major self-esteem issues because of how she treats him.

So now I am on guard and try to learn what I can so I can hopefully help my kids in the future. I just hope that they will accept their past and be able to move beyond this present.

So where do we go

Mediation over custody is something of farce I think when the other person is set on manipulating it to their advantage.

I went in with a very clear picture and idea at the outset of what I wanted to get out of the mediation process. Very up front as usual that the finances mean nothing to me, the kidlettes are the biggest priority. I will admit I didn't have much of an idea of how things were supposed to proceed, but I think the individual we met with did a good job explaining and was honestly first and foremost looking out for the best interests of any kids that are involved in the situations he deals with.

When your the first words out of your former significant other are, "If can't agree on custody of the kids isn't this all a waste of time and shouldn't we go straight to court?", you know things are going to be... interesting. Isn't mediation about finding common ground and a situation you both can live while still providing a strong and stable environment for the kids?

I came out of the preliminary meeting with the mediator feeling quite good and ex even agreed he was a very good. Funnily I knew that my former spouse would find some reason not to use somebody obviously at the top of the class and who it seemed to see through her facade. There were several points that he stopped her and prefaced what he was about to say with, "I'm going to be blunt...".

The impression ex tried to get across to mediator, that I don't think he bought, is that everyone around her is broken, but her.

So now ex is researching to find other mediators under the guise of saving money. My thought is lets spend a little more on a good mediator who will definitely get the job done, instead of cheaping out on a hack and then having to go to court with lawyers as well.

Father's Day

am I the father I wish or am I the father I think I am.

I look back on my choices, attitude and actions and wonder am I worthy to call myself the proper care giver for my children or am I just a farce to those around me?

Why do I question myself in such a way? Am I actually the one with the issues and I just refuse to actually accept them? Am I deluding myself, think I'm better then I am?

Or does my willingness to question myself prove I've got a stable brain inside this pathetic head of mine?

I am so anti-confrontational am I willing to let my children sit under the influence of their mother who I believe is unstable, angry and who they fear? Or do I stand ground beyond what I believe are my abilities and fight in-laws & Ex the way I swore I never would, become the person I outright decided never to become from the age of 4.

Why do I question myself? Why don't the others that matter in this battle see things as I and so many others see? Am I just an actor in my own life? Am I who I think I am, who I see myself as or am I just a shell existing on top of some self-centred, self-hating punk?

Does everybody have these doubts, questions, delusions?

A week moves on and continues into the past.

Oooooooo. How deep. How profound.

What a load of carp! Man can I get a shovel full.

So the house is officially going up for sale in three weeks and luckily we should be getting more then we expected. So sock it away and maybe a future down payment for a place of my own, or retirement, or further education funds for the kids.

The Ex is all up in knots about trying to get the house ready to show and to move. I gave her a viable option and because of her bullheadedness she didn't accept it. She asked if I have any idea what kind of work she's been doing... One of those questions you never answer the way you'd really like to, but through my head went, "Try doing it all in one weekend." I certainly
hope in this process she and her parent's realize how little stuff I actually had, and how much absolute crap she has accumulated.

Whatever happens with the house so be it.

The kids are a different story though and their still being worked out. Finances don't mean anything next to the kids and it's only a matter of time before something serious has to be dealt with.

As for depression over the end of the relationship, that's almost nonexistent as it's been really for all intensive purposes over for a number of years already. Though trying to get back into the game is a whole lot different when you have no social structure of single friends.

Such is life, move on, rebuild, restore.