A week moves on and continues into the past.

Oooooooo. How deep. How profound.

What a load of carp! Man can I get a shovel full.

So the house is officially going up for sale in three weeks and luckily we should be getting more then we expected. So sock it away and maybe a future down payment for a place of my own, or retirement, or further education funds for the kids.

The Ex is all up in knots about trying to get the house ready to show and to move. I gave her a viable option and because of her bullheadedness she didn't accept it. She asked if I have any idea what kind of work she's been doing... One of those questions you never answer the way you'd really like to, but through my head went, "Try doing it all in one weekend." I certainly
hope in this process she and her parent's realize how little stuff I actually had, and how much absolute crap she has accumulated.

Whatever happens with the house so be it.

The kids are a different story though and their still being worked out. Finances don't mean anything next to the kids and it's only a matter of time before something serious has to be dealt with.

As for depression over the end of the relationship, that's almost nonexistent as it's been really for all intensive purposes over for a number of years already. Though trying to get back into the game is a whole lot different when you have no social structure of single friends.

Such is life, move on, rebuild, restore.

Who's right and who's wrong...

Ever have an argument with somebody who always has to be right and won't back down or even consider they could be wrong? You stand there face to face or face to chat window or looking at the phone receiver thinking to yourself...

Am I missing something?
Am I the one who isn't thinking clearly?
Am I the only one that doesn't see it?

Growing up my Dad was confrontational with people, argumentative, and had more then a bit of a temper. Many people see their dad's that way and only feared the spank.

I took it a step further...

At a young age, probably around 4 or 5, I consciously decided that I wasn't going to be like my Dad and I've tried to become that to a fault. I am a none confrontationalist, who basically gets walked all over. Doesn't mean I won't fight when backed right into a corner, but look how long it took in my marriage to finally put my foot down, 12 year (2 would be called okay).

And even with many other friends telling me I'm not the crazy one I still spend a lot of time questioning my motives, decisions, am I crazy, to far gone, self worth, as a father, as a person, and who I really am now.

My wife, because currently she still is but we're sep'd, is on a crap load of meds for pain, mental issues, anxiety issues, and other health reasons considers me... The one who cooked, cleaned, did laundry, ran the kids everywhere and attempted to look after finances (I'm getting better at this one)... I'm the depressed and mentally ill one.

So I've left and I seem to be doing a million times better except whenever I have a discussion with her... Hmmmmm... But I'm the one that needs to be hospitalized...

There are some people and some arguments that you will never win no matter what it seems.

One of my favourite lines, whether you're religious or not, is "God will only give you what you can handle, but I sure wish he'd underestimate me a little more often."

"Bang your head!"

3rd wheel wobble.

Yeah this isn't long after my previous post, but I'm just getting stuff out I guess.

Something that's been bothering me (yeah there seems to be a lot of stuff bothering me as well)... because when you get up into your 30's, even late 20's I suppose, your friends are typically all paired up and starting their families.

Who do you hangout with? talk to? cause trouble with? laugh with? Being a 3rd wheel is okay some of the time, but you don't want to be constantly on the outside... groups of friends get together and you're the only single one or they feel awkward inviting the one single, so they don't or forget.

How do you rebuild a social life when you're 36 & single again in a blue collar town? How do you meet others when alcohol isn't a main source of your entertainment? Do you Plenty of Fish it? Do you look for singles groups? How do you maintain some dignity when looking for new friends, when you've had the rug pulled out? I'm not a stereotypical guy, don't watch sports, rarely fish, don't care to play baseball, basketball, hockey... surfing, skateboarding, rollerblading, playing music, art, style, design and cooking are more my speed.

I suspect in TO there'd be many more options with the increase in cultural atmosphere and just plain more people, but this city feels just so confining sometimes. Until things get settled out family wise and financially I'm stuck here and without cash... it's all going to pay the mortgage of the house I no longer live in and support the kidlette's and someday Ex.

The Ex. says I'm always welcome to come back, but even the short time I'm with her tucking the kids into bed she finds ways to emotionally wreck me for the rest of the night.

So for now it's 3rd wheel and the web I guess.

"I will survive in my mach5" (okay I don't have a mach5, but it's still a fun song)

such is a dream.

More Drivel...

Dreams cycled in and out of your mind and typically only fleeting glimpses remain by morning.

Mine seem to give me quite a bit of unease... to much realism, to much confrontation and to many memories. I don't remember all my dreams, but the details I do are enough to set me on edge the rest of the day... or like a fairly recent I'm still unsettled by it. My have recently been dealing with Separation, Job Searches, Financial Despair, the past Death of Love ones, and Fears for the future.

For the most part dreams I'm up in the air about the meaning and importance of dreams. They can reveal what's bothering our subconscious, what were wrestling with, and our fears... and of course sometimes their just full of crap.

Some people are able to control their dreams, my dad is the best rewinding at will and full control, for me I'm the furthest from it... While I'm asleep I know it's a dream and always attempt to control it, but my throat is clenched and I'm unable to sleep and have trouble breathing. Add to that in many situations I'm unable to physically move and can't pull myself awake out of the dream back to reality. So even though I enjoy my sleep like a good steak and can fall asleep easily, sleep hasn't been much of a shelter or source of energy.

So I sit up bleary eyed, seeing friends and people flicker in and out of my contact lists, wishing for someone to talk, to see in RL. Like every guy they want to seem strong, independent, capable, but now I just want to reach out and at the same time don't want to interrupt their lives and families with my mud pie mountain. Craving some kind of physical contact, not even intimacy (though that's been craved for at least a year now), but even to have someone your own age or outlook to hangout with and talk, laugh and all that kind of humanity type of crap. At one point and still sometimes, I wish I could just med myself up to the point where I don't care about anything and just zombie through life not caring if I'm treated like crap, not care that I don't here a thanks or apology, don't care if I get taken advantage of and do 90% of the stuff that being an adult requires of us.

Everyone has their own struggles, trying times, and baggage they carry with them. Do you let it crush you under the weight of it? Do you pick up and start again after you've been kicked in the head time and again? How do you know when to just stay down?

Life is never like we intended it to be... "I'm an adult now."

a moment

Ever have a moment, whether it's a few minutes, or say a couple of weeks, when you question who you are and who you are becoming.

What's in front of you.

Your future,

your mind,

your life,

your family.

Everything you've been, for in my case 36 years, is called into question in your outlook.

I'm not really sure what to think of my life's current predicament. Father without his kids, a husband who can't survive mentally and emotionally with his wife. A belief, a faith that is frayed and is just a slender few threads left.

You build up plans in your mind as you grow about...

who you want to become?

what you want to build for the future?

what do you want to leave behind as small sign that you were there.

Answers, direction, guidance, ruined plans, rebuilding dreams and goals.

It's been about a month since I started to try to climb the circles and I don't think I've gotten all that far, feel like the failure I'm sure my, sometime to be Ex, wife thinks I am.

Broken

Damaged Goods

Weak

Unstable

It seems she still wins as I doubt myself and my reasons for telling her to leave and upon her refusal leaving myself.

"So much for the afterglow"